Try as you might, pull as you please but chances are they’ll stay in place where they rightfully should.  If you had a pair of your own, you would most likely test my theory by playing with them to your heart’s content or till you were blue in the face.  After a while, you’d come to find that they are very much still there, hanging down like tear drops, or in some cases, perky like morning wood.  Now, assuming we have established that breasts are and forever will be attached to the female body, why do so many men try to remove them?

Sometimes it’s in a pulling motion, while other attempts consist of a shaking gesture or a wave-like movement.  My history has shown that they’ve been suctioned, slapped, twisted, and even sat on.  Since each occurrence is undoubtedly odder and more unpleasant than the last, I have to wonder, does any man know how to properly handle breasts?

I believe that the action of touching a tit is not just a base you can check off your list.  Rather, it’s an art form that requires practice, patience, and agility.  So, for all of you who are ready to listen, learn, and attain an MA in Fine Arts, here are my tips for touching tits:

1. WE LOVE THEM, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO

You always want what you can’t have, and in the case of female breasts, men want them desperately.  But due to the fact that women are so accustomed to what lies beneath their necks, the idea of looking and touching their own pair is not too thrilling.  We don’t get the same wide-eyed, boyish expression on our face each and every time we take off our tops.  And unfortunately, when we hold them in our hands, they don’t feel like heavenly forms (regardless of how beautiful they may appear).

2. . FACE>TITS, EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE

Having established that breasts stimulate those who lack them the most, one must remember that the owners of the breast in question would like to be admired for more than what lies below.  Rather than simply objectifying tits and ass, be sure to acknowledge their beautiful face in the process.  An easy look-up-look-down action will do you well.

3. NO MR. MOTOR BOATER

This one may be hard to believe, but women don’t really enjoy a good ol’ motor boat between her bosoms.  I know from personal experience that the action makes me giggle.  But again, for those who lack a pair of breasts, the movement of tits above and around a face can be overwhelmingly enjoyable.  The close placement between the skin allows for one to better experience the scent and pheromones of another.

4. CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS

If you have the privilege of touching terrific tits, women everywhere ask that you 1) cut and file your nails and 2) wash your hands thoroughly.  Trust me when I say, there’s only one kind of dirty that should take place in the bedroom.

5. I SPY A PIERCING

If you have a spot of luck in your lifetime, you will find yourself face-to-tits with an eye-full of nipple piercings.  There’s something so mystifying about a nipple and/or vaginal piercing, so much so that when you come across one, you really do need to stop and admire it.  After you’re done giving praise, find a balance between touching the nipple and the jewelry.  Some women find their nipples to be more sensitive post-piercing and because of this, they find pleasure in light stimulation or even a simple tugging of their jewelry.  Be careful, however, as you don’t want to pull anything out or break skin!

6. SORENESS, SENSITIVITY, AND SYMPATHY

Breasts are as diverse and their genital counterparts, and as a result, there’s really no way to tell how one will react to gentle or aggressive touch.  There’s also an element of tissue soreness, which primarily occurs before or during a female’s menstrual cycle.  Other women can experience chronic soreness or occasional soreness due to hormone imbalances.  You can usually tell if she is experiencing any discomfort when her breast tissue is harder or her cup size has slightly increased.  Causes aside, it’s always important that you respect any tenderness and proceed accordingly.  Basically, don’t go to town on your partner’s pair when there’s clearly a notable change.  My advice: small kisses and a back massage go a long way.

7. TENDER TOUCHES, PLEASE

The best rule of thumb to keep in your back pocket is that the female breasts are akin to male testicles.  You should never punch them or handle them too aggressively, but they can easily take a cradle or a tug.  Depending on the balls or boobs, you can even squeeze them tightly, tie them up, and suck on them for dear life.  Play it safe at first and glide your fingers ever so lightly across her ears, neck, shoulders, and collar bone.  While I’m not a fan of teases of any sort, I do see some validity is prolonging the inevitable (assuming the inevitable will eventually cum).  By the time you’re done giving her tender touches everywhere but her breasts, she’ll most likely be begging you to make your way down there asap.

8. THINK LIKE A BRA

The best go-to trick to call upon when handling a nice pair of tits is to just pretend like your hands are a bra.  Place them over the middle section of each breast in a cupping manner and start by cradling the weight as if you were holding a baby’s head.  Then begin to lightly squeeze them.  You’ll notice that while you’re performing these actions that you never let go and therefore, hold up the breasts in front of you like a top-of-the-line sports bra.  Something about the sensation of pressure and security gets a girl’s heart rate going!

9. IT’S ALL IN THE NIPPLES AND THEN SOME

You’ve RSVP’d to the breast party in history, and you find yourself with party favors galore.  Like all great gifts, you should start with the bow, also known as the nipples.  Some lucky women have the ability to achieve orgasm simply through the stimulation of their nipples or the touching of their breasts.  It may seem like a rare accomplishment, but a study conducted by Dr. Herbert Otto showed that 29% of 213 women experienced a breast orgasm at one time or another.  In order to achieve such an impactful release of oxytocin, one can manually stimulate the nipples in a slow, circle motion.  Every now and then, you can increase your speed or even alternate between your fingers and mouth.  Orally, it’s always nice to start off soft and then increase your sucking, suctioning, licking, or biting once you notice her breathing increasing.  If her chest area and nipples redden or her areola produces small bumps, then you’ve put her in a state of breast bliss.

10. TO COMPARE IS UNFAIR

Most importantly, you should always leave prior sexual history out of the bedroom.  Perhaps you enjoyed your ex’s tits more than your current girlfriend’s pair, or you prefer the boobs you saw bouncing around on Brazzers.  Maybe you’re never satisfied with what you have.  Whatever your poison may be, keep these thoughts to yourself and realize that everyone is fashioned differently.  And remember, porn is not a measuring stick tit.

Yours truly,
Scarlett Stone

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